When I look generally at me, and my life in general, I can't help but come to the consensus that I'm an un-serious young man. In many respects, I still have sleepless nights thinking about why on earth I chose a field that would require a lot of speaking - my biggest non-strength.
Growing up stuttering has usually had a huge dent in my confidence as a person, and it is especially concerning when you consider the fact that I started stuttering because of a lack of confidence. I stutter because of a lack of confidence, but stuttering also makes me lose confidence.
But humans are communal beings, and we're wired to communicate. And so I've done everything possible to work on communicating - by exploring design and writing. I've tried speech yet it has always been my Achilles heel. Speech, Yes Speech!!! On some days, I get it perfectly right. On other days, I produce cringe-worthy "earsore" content.
In this process, I've learnt to be gentle with myself. To take it a day at a time, a moment at a time, a message at a time, a word at a time. I celebrate little speech wins - such as learning to mention my name without a stutter. And I massively reflect on huge, disgraceful setbacks too, like messing up a handing over speech.
Common sense tells me to stop talking, on the few days when things don't go well. But no. I'd keep talking more. I'm completely cognisant of the fact that I'd ace some moments, and completely crush others. In all outcomes, I'd keep speaking, learning my lessons, and building my confidence along the way.
Because I have ideas worth sharing, and I'm learning to share them. For way too long, I've relied on design and writing to get them out. Reliable, they have been. Yet not enough. I have to speak. I have to.
But to be absolutely honest, it's hard to speak. Especially as I have to ensure that the right circumstances are met to make sure I don't stutter. There are days when it feels like I'm choking when I speak. It's nervousness, not from the stage, but from the fear of stuttering. Yes, no be small.
And it's also true! On days I stutter, I'd spend the whole day beating myself about how I messed up. I'd certainly spend much of the time wishing I could squeeze myself into the empty can of consolation coke I just drank, hoping I escape from the cringe moments. Or I'd probably fall on my bed and shout into the pillow for 2-4 minutes afterwards.
Not to forget the numerous "oh my God", I'd end up saying, and the countless hits on my forehead to escape my misery (no wonder my hair shape is going back). And oh, I'd most probably vanish and fade from the public eye for sometime.
Buttttttt, I will get better. I will get better. I will get better. I will speak more, learn from each experience and progressively get better.
Because I just know it. I know it. Deep down, I know that someday, maybe someday, I'd be speaking on the largest stages you can find. Sharing ideas worth listening to. - Because yes, they are!
In the next few months, parts of the ideas worth sharing are my thoughts and views on the African Union's Agenda2063, and how we as Africans can collectively build the "Africa We Want".
Like me, we've sold ourselves a story of misery for far too long and it's time to spread hope and possibility.
We will start by imagining the Africa we want, then explore what it takes to bring that Africa into reality. What do we have to do, and how do we enforce these plans and ideas wherever we find ourselves?
Just like my stutter, we would not follow the common sense approach. We would not view Africa from the perspective of its failures alone. We would look for, and celebrate all our little wins. And where there are failures, we would massively reflect and act on constructive lessons.
Because I'm not willing and able to migrate to another man's land and live as a second-class citizen. I'm willing to risk the last bit of hope I have. I'm just tired of living without hope. It's frustrating. It's a truly exciting future. One filled with lots of hope and possibility. It'll be hard, yes. But the alternate reality is abject misery. Let's do this people. We've got this, We certainly have!
