Sometimes I wish I could just speak without having to consciously take in deep breaths and think deeply about the words I have to use. I wish I could say what I have to say without having to repeat myself again and again. Oh, I really wish I could verbally share my ideas without freezing midway and diluting the essence of what I have to say.
I wish I could honour a lot more speaking invitations, share my thoughts and perspectives and inspire people. Drive them to action, cause them to think, perhaps? Or I could just talk without the choking feeling?
Yet, wishes are not horses. Je br3.
And yet, even if they were - if wishing could make anything I seek happen - to speak clearly will be one of the last of my asks. A billion USD, incredible photographic memory, and perhaps, a Steve Jobs-led tour of the Apple campus will come before clear speech.
Is this a case of wrong priorities? I know not. What I know is this: I'm nowhere near where I ought to be, yet I am also far off from where I started. Progress?
Each time I feel numbed by this, I picture Moses, and the kind of audacity he had to have had to stand before Pharaoh and order "Let my people go".
It sounds mundane, yet this was at a time when you would be beheaded at the least mistake, and your family could not do foko. The courts? Lol. Well, they relied on the King's feelings and intuition. The same King you're standing before and commanding.
Now picture Moses as he stands before Pharaoh. A stammering fugitive. Heck, a murderer and a traitor by all standards. The one who betrayed a country that saved his ass from drowning. Think about how the Princess who first rescued him as a child might have felt.
Least I digress. Moses's achievements at a time without the benefit of the resources I have - the Holy Spirit, the internet, a supportive community and more leave me with no option for an excuse.
And so I've read theories and papers on how speech is produced, things the average Joe wouldn't care about. From thoughts that determine what I say, through the nervous system, to the lung's pulmonary pressure down to the larynx and outwards.
In retrospect, all that was just to learn to speak without the choking feeling. Again, Je br3.
Do I seek pity? Hell no. That's the lazy irresponsible and ultimately detrimental way. We'll still keep trying, learning and 'disgracing' ourselves, for you cannot shame the shameless. And guess who has no shame in failing?
Yet if that doesn't work out or we don't get better? If we ultimately fail? Guess what? We will go back to our corners and write, or maybe design? Get back into Mathematics? We know not. What we know is 'we did try'. Really!
We will not fail.
