In my entrance into adulthood, one of the biggest truths I had to settle with is summed up by Amakye Dede's words in his all famous song. "To be a man, Na wah oo"!
It wasn't a lie. To be a man is to accept that life is, first and foremost, hard. Expecting it to be easy, or soft, primes you up for confusion and frustration. However, accepting it places you in a prime position to start accepting responsibility and taking action for it.
To be a man, I believe, is to be a symbol of strength and resilience. I hate how strength has been bastardized in this era. Strength, in its entirety, doesn't mean being hard, rigid and what not.
Rather, strength is steadfastness of character, integrity, and the ability to persevere through challenges. It's the ability to take responsibility, perhaps why it's hard. Responsibility over self, over actions and over the domain we've been entrusted.
And it's why I don't believe the problems we face, as a gender, can necessarily be solved by crying. Crying can be a good release, but often for men, I argue that there may be more efficient ways of releasing frustration and emotions. It's not wrong to cry, crying may not be one of them.
For many men, emotion gets metabolized through action. That is, physical exertion with purpose, so you can channel the intensity of all you're facing within into something productive.
So this could be building something, being engaged in activity, working with your hands, and more. You need intense activity, where you're pushing against resistance. The exhaustion creates space for clarity and rest.
But for the typically non masculine, like me too, I've found that creative expression works just as well. Writing, even if no one reads it. Music, especially instruments where you can channel intensity. Working on cars, woodworking, any craft that requires focus and produces something tangible.
Sometimes it's solitude with nature. A long walk where you can process thoughts without interruption.
We're wired to solve problems, and doing so gives the tick, and a sense that we matter, we are created to achieve. And so I've learnt that problem-solving actually channels our emotional energy productively.
So you can find this by working through complex challenges at work or in hobbies. Or even gaming, where frustration becomes focus.
And brotherhood matters. I've spoken about this extensively.
Deep conversation with trusted friends, not just venting, but actually processing and talking through stuff. When I talk to you about a problem, I'm not looking at being heard. I'm looking for solutions or different perspectives.
That's what the brotherhood is for. It's for offering solutions and being offered same. Mentoring and/or being mentored.
Working alongside other men on shared tasks, where the parallel activity makes vulnerability, and the process of it easier.
We need to find ways to transform and channel pent up emotional energy into something else: physical exhaustion, creative output, clarity, connection, accomplishment. For many men, this feels more authentic than sitting with feelings in stillness.
Or just talking about it sometimes, and crying. Cos again, remember that it's that tick we need. And the tick may not come from talking about it in an all calm whalever setting.
To be a man isn't really to be a hard guy who has it figured out. But it's to be one who is teachable and willing to learn. And where I fault more, willing to seek help.
There's a particular courage in admitting you don't have it figured out. Real mastery, whether in a craft, a relationship, or navigating life's complexity, requires the humility to recognize what you don't know and the courage to ask.
Seeking help cuts against something deep in how we're socialized. There's this unspoken equation: needing help = weakness = failure as a man. But that's backwards. The man who can't ask for help when he needs it isn't strong. He's brittle. He'll break rather than bend. He'll damage himself and the people depending on him rather than admit limitation.
What I'm describing is actually a more demanding standard than the "figure it out alone" model. It requires ongoing self-awareness to know when you're in over your head. It requires discernment to identify who can actually help. It requires trust to open yourself to input that might challenge your current understanding.
All of that is harder than simply grinding through in isolation.
The strongest men I know are teachable, not invulnerable. They carry weight, but they don't pretend it isn't heavy. They take responsibility without collapsing into martyrdom or resentment. They're steady, but not rigid. They're vulnerable, but not weak.
They understand that being a man isn't about having all the answers. It's about having the character to keep showing up, keep learning, keep serving the people and purposes they've been entrusted with.
That's what I'm reflecting on today.
Happy International Men's Day!
